i miss you...

it was matt that brought it up today that he feels that he's lacking motivation to study. he said that we're both not pushing each other to study harder and focus on getting into med school. however, HE has been studying. he has been studying very hard. it's me that haven't been studying...instead i've been distracting him from his studies. i have two difficult exams tuesday and one on thursday next week, yet i haven't even starting preparing. i didn't even go to research today...i bet krzsyztof think i'm irresponsible.

i have to make good impression, but it's so hard to keep up. i feel lazy every single moment. i just feel like watching youtube and facebooking. i'm so behind in all my classes...i don't know how i can pull it all off. i have a slim chance of making 4.0 gpa this semester, but at this rate, i'm going to do horribly.

why do i want to be a doctor? many many reasons..mostly family related.

my parents, especially my mom, do not want to go see a physician despite their age because they've had many bad experiences. my parents hate having to face impatient doctors that act so rude when my parents cannot understand them or when they cannot understand my parents' questions. it's already embarrassing for my parents to speak broken english, but huffing and puffing and rolling eyes is no way for doctors to treat their patients. it made me so mad when my parents described this incident to me. so i told myself, when i become a doctor, i'm going to spend as much time as i need to answer my patients' questions and help them understand anything that they need to know. although i've never been severely sick, i also shared the unsettling feeling and the fear that my parents had to go through when they were sick and couldn't ask what was wrong with their health. i want to be there for my family as a doctor and i want to be there for other families as well, answering their questions and making them comfortable despite their ethnicity or whether they can speak english or not. if i have to draw a picture or act it out, i don't care, as long as my patients get the understanding that they need and want.

i also feel a lot of expectations coming from my parents. i've been slowly feeling the transition from me depending on my parents to my parents depending on me. i needed them to raise me, and although i still need their support, i can feel my parents slowly leaning onto me now. every time i go back home, i have a stack of letters to translate for my parents and list of numbers to call and settle a business. they need me and i want to be reliable for them. i don't want them to see me fail or worry that they hadn't supported me enough because they have done more than what i needed. i want to give back to them. show how thankful i am for all that they have done for me. i want them to stop working at the beauty supply full of racist customers. i want to financially support them. i want to take care of them. i want to succeed so that my parents can stop working so hard and sacrificing themselves.

i have a desire to help others. save lives. there are many ways to do that, but i feel like being a doctor is the most tangible way. it also suits my talents. i want to come home from work knowing that i've saved someone that day.

considering all that i've said above, i'm not doing enough. i've been throwing away way too much time. i'm disappointing my parents every moment that i waste.

God...please help me. i know i've been lacking prayer. i know i could have done more. i know i only prayed to You when I desperately needed Your help. please forgive me. please forgive my lack of faith and ungratefulness. i've been ignorant toward all that you've provided me. but now i want to make a change. i want to be focused. i want to be on fire for You and Your will. please help me and be there for me. please catch me when i fall. please guide me when i'm lost. please correct me when i'm wrong. please be close to me when i feel alone.

i want to be an inspiration to others. i'm tired of being jealous of others' success. i'm tired of looking down at myself feeling hopeless. i'm tired of thinking that it's too late. i'm tired of thinking that You're not there.

please help me. in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

it was nice... the dinner with hanna, amy, dong woo (amy's bf), steven, and lydia. we had so much good food and i enjoyed the gathering. it was a bit awkward because i didn't know or am not close with half the people that were there, but things went unexpectedly well. amy seemed to be a lot softer around her boyfriend...or she's much softer now that she has a boyfriend. he seemed to be a nice good and they are a cute couple. this dinner was probably the first time i've seen amy so relaxed and genuinely happy. it's not that amy is an unhappy person, but she gave that kind of impression our few previous encounters.

i did feel a bit too uncomfortable to be myself around them...i couldn't get it out of my head that they are "not my friends." i know that i'm a mile away from being friends with amy, dong woo, and steven, and none of us are particularly interested in meeting each other at the halfway.

lydia says she didn't have a good time there...other than eating free food. she said it was too awkward and that the dinner wouldn't have worked out if i hadn't brought my galbi. i agree...there were far less food for six people to eat...but i was glad that i was able to share my galbi with them.

i hope things continues to go well between amy and dong woo. i hope things continues to go well for matt and myself.

matt's worried. he's worried about med school...much more than i am. he's not a resident at nc, so he doesn't have much chance in getting into unc med school. he is desperately trying to find a way to obtain residency by getting an apt and a job. still...neither secures his residency...might even take few years...

Father, i humbly come to you again. i'm worried about my boyfriend. i love him and would like to stay with him as long as i can. i know that it's selfish and may not be according to your will. but if you can allow it, please let both of us enter unc med school... please help matt find an apt, job, and/or a car to win his residency. please help both of us to be motivated and persistently pursue our dream. please help us to be focused in our spirituality as well as academics. please help us to make sufficient grades for this semester and more. please guide us step by step because we are so prone to getting lost. please help to make the right decision and prevent us from wandering around in hopelessness. only you can help us. i love you Lord, and in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

it was nice... the dinner with hanna, amy, dong woo (amy's bf), steven, and lydia. we had so much good food and i enjoyed the gathering. it was a bit awkward because i didn't know or am not close with half the people that were there, but things went unexpectedly well. amy seemed to be a lot softer around her boyfriend...or she's much softer now that she has a boyfriend. he seemed to be a nice good and they are a cute couple. this dinner was probably the first time i've seen amy so relaxed and genuinely happy. it's not that amy is an unhappy person, but she gave that kind of impression our few previous encounters.

i did feel a bit too uncomfortable to be myself around them...i couldn't get it out of my head that they are "not my friends." i know that i'm a mile away from being friends with amy, dong woo, and steven, and none of us are particularly interested in meeting each other at the halfway.

lydia says she didn't have a good time there...other than eating free food. she said it was too awkward and that the dinner wouldn't have worked out if i hadn't brought my galbi. i agree...there were far less food for six people to eat...but i was glad that i was able to share my galbi with them.

i hope things continues to go well between amy and dong woo. i hope things continues to go well for matt and myself.

matt's worried. he's worried about med school...much more than i am. he's not a resident at nc, so he doesn't have much chance in getting into unc med school. he is desperately trying to find a way to obtain residency by getting an apt and a job. still...neither secures his residency...might even take few years...

Father, i humbly come to you again. i'm worried about my boyfriend. i love him and would like to stay with him as long as i can. i know that it's selfish and may not be according to your will. but if you can allow it, please let both of us enter unc med school... please help matt find an apt, job, and/or a car to win his residency. please help both of us to be motivated and persistently pursue our dream. please help us to be focused in our spirituality as well as academics. please help us to make sufficient grades for this semester and more. please guide us step by step because we are so prone to getting lost. please help to make the right decision and prevent us from wandering around in hopelessness. only you can help us. i love you Lord, and in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

due to all the drama going on about kasa, i totally forgot what situation amy was in...

i was so busy talking crap about her that i didn't even try to understand her side of the story. i actually knew her situation all along...but it only came to me when matt told me today that she's going through hard time. he didn't have to explain because i already knew what he was talking about.

she's facing a law suit. she may not be able to stay in u.s. for too long. i cannot imagine how much stress is upon her, not to mention the school work and her job. i explained all these things to lydia to lessen her bitterness towards amy. i think we both feel foolish now.

i feel so immature for being driven by the excitement of drama and unfairly judging amy. hopefully the whole talk about kasa will ease... i would hate for it to get in the way of her more serious worries.

God...i just ask that everything will work out for amy. i would hate to see anyone go through so much pain and stress. i would hate to see her be separated from her friends. i would hate to see that she won't be able to expand her talents here in the u.s. Father, please provide her with more love, empathy, and opportunities. i also ask that we will all learn to forgive her mistakes and acknowledge ours. please forgive me for being so jealous and hateful. please forgive me for gossiping and hurting amy. please help me to be a stronger person. please guide me to be fair and reasonable. please teach me to help others rather than to bash them. I love you Lord, and in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

so...i asked hanna to study with me tomorrow night. she agreed, and then asked me what i was doing for dinner tomorrow. i told her 'nothing,' so she invited me to dinner. she told me that she's also inviting amy, however, not before i agreed to go. ::sigh::

i've been avoiding any gathering with amy ever since i started dating matt (about a year now), and now i'm finally trapped into having a dinner with her tomorrow. this dinner will include me, amy, her bf and her two best friends (which includes my bf matt). i feel like such an odd ball trying to squeeze in between three best friends. so, just to compensate for the uncomfortableness, i asked if i can bring my roommate, lydia, with me.

i guess it's not just being an odd ball that scares me...but the fact that i've been bashing about amy lately puts me at a guilty position. i really hope that whatever i said about amy hasn't trickled down to her ears because that would result in a horribly uncomfortable dinner.

i really really really do not want to go.

i've been talking about amy a lot lately. she's the kasa president. the kind of president that does absolutely nothing for the club. i don't see her in any of the kasa events except at mixers. finally hyungjae quit the cooking committee like i advised him to. it was so unfair that the execs just dumped all the cooking labor at him without showing any appreciation. i hope the execs finally understand their wrongs and fulfill their responsibilities next semester.

my impression toward amy has been wrong after all...i thought her rudeness came from her hurtful past. now i see that she poses herself as a perfection and everyone else as something less than that. therefore she feels the right to be condescending and disrespectful. amy has accomplished a lot, however, she's made just as many mistakes.

so many people talk crap about her that i actually feel bad for matt. i asked him how he felt about it. he told me that he's okay since amy did do what was wrong. but i can tell he doesn't enjoy hearing other people or me talking about her. i wish he wasn't friends with her. although it's not my place to say this, but their friendship isn't even a healthy one. the only thing that bonds them is her loyalty. despite her rudeness, she's always there to help him. so he always feels guilty, thinking that although he's never there for her, she's always there for him. but is loyalty sufficient to retain a friendship?

i can't quite analyze amy. although she has so many enemies, she has her ring of close friends that love her. that makes me think that maybe there is a different side, a softer side of amy that she refuses to expose to outsiders. sometimes...i feel a bit addicted trying to get to know her. i visit her facebook trying to figure out whether she's a good person or not...each time resulting in a disappointment. her full of pride and lack of apology really angers me because no one has the right to do that. and when my friend hyungjae is the victim of this dragon lady, i can't help but to hate her more.

i really wish matt and amy weren't friends. if i may be honest, their friendship seems a bit ridiculous to me. they made a contract, a physical contract with their signatures, stating that they will be best friends forever, and the most ridiculous part is that matt actually feels bounded by this contract.

as much as i don't understand their relationship, matt likes to defend it. he says that there's a flaw in every friend and that he is able to overlook amy's. he says that it's fun hanging out with her...more fun than hanging out with my friends: hyungjae and heejin.

i know that it's unfair for me to judge his friends and decide with whom he should hang out with...i know that it's not my place. i do realize that i've been pulling him away from his friends. maybe i should give him more space. let him hang out with his guys and amy. maybe as time passes, i'll start to understand his relationship with amy.

From Hanna Ji:
hey love♥
fall break was okay :/ i've been sick actually lol

but yeah... i was getting a little worried about you and matt... but i don't want to like, keep pushing you guys to come to church (i mean, i should, but...) because i know yall have a lot to do and you guys are probably stressing out about them... i don't want to be 잔소리해ing all the time :<



shoot... advice? haha;; i don't know if i'm in the position to give you advices :/ other than like... i don't know... when i fell unorganized and have so much stuff to do that i don't even know where to begin, i just... make a list of things in the order that they need be done (important to prioritize, right?) and even just doing that helps organize my thoughts and visualize what i need to do and in what order...

i mean, im sure you probably already do that, and i can't really think of anything else to say to try and hlep... but i can and i will encourage you-

"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling." -Exodus 15:13

“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.” –Psalm 29:11

Remember what we talked about before? How we can have peace in Christ because we know that he is watching over us and taking care of us? I cant even imagine how stressful it must be for you, with all those hard classes and lab and everything… and life itself is pretty darn stressful too at times. But remember that God is with you and He will lead you the right way- because He loves you just that much!


But… even though I say these things, and I do want to encourage you and give you the strength to carry out through this week… but I am a very un-motivated person too. I go to school, do things for church and everything, but… do I do everything with passion? I wish I did. I’m never really motivated to study- if I do bad on a test, then im just like… oh, whatever lol… and I get so frustrated at myself, because I WANT to be motivated and I WANT to be more passionate about things…

Let’s pray about it together throughout this week. All we can do is pray and try harder right? But you know… the fact that ‘all we can do is pray’ may seem so helpless and pathetic in a way- but if you look at it from a different side, that’s all we NEED to do, because we can’t really do anything, only God can make things happen. And He WILL listen to our prayers and answer them (in His way, at His time). So even though all we can do is pray… I mean, what more do we need to do? 그렇게 생각하면, 정말 모든게 다 가능하다고 느껴진다? It’s such a… encouraging and strengthening feeling- to have that faith that God really really listens to our prayers.

우리 힘내자~~~ 남은 이번 한주간도 열심히 하구!!! 그리구 금요일에 lock-in 갈수있으면 꼭 같이 가자~ 재밌을거야! It’ll give you (and me) the opportunity to get to know and bond with other people at vm. (isn’t it sad that I don’t even know everyone that comes to vm? And im supposed to be a leader? :<

화이팅!!!! Remember that I’ll be praying for youuu♥

From Hyunkyung Kim

신디~~~한나의 advice가 너무 훌륭해서 내가 따로 해줄 말은 별로 없을꺼 같아..^^; 신디를 계속 생각하고 기도하고 있다는 거 외에는..
많은 경우에 아주 basic한 것에 해답이 있지.. 국민학교때 했던 리스트 작성하기 같은..ㅋㅋㅋ그런데 문제는 우리가 그런 basic을 많이 소홀히 하고 산다는 거야. 영적으로도 우리의 매일의 삶속에서도..

학 생의 신분을 가지고 사는 사람들 중에서 공부에 열정이 넘쳐서 사는 사람들이 얼마나 될까? 나도 학생일때는 내가 왜 이 공부를 해야 하는 건지.. 잘못된 선택을 한건 아닌지.. 남들은 잘도 하는것 같드만 나는 왜 이리 힘든지....하루에도 몇번씩 고민을 하고 살았는지 몰라.. 실제로 대학원 때는 그만둘 생각에 심각하게 기도도 했었구,,,, 그 모든 것이 결국은 내가 내 육신의 즐거움을 만족시키기 위한 몸부림이었다는 것을 나중에 깨달았지만..ㅠㅠ
사실 학생일 때는 공부 자체에 열정을 가지고 사는 것이 정상이라기 보다는 그 시간을 잘 인내하고 자신을 잘 control하는 것을 배우는 시기인거 같아. 하나님이 자기에게 주신 비전을 발견해 가며 소망을 가지고 그 시간들을 절제하고 인내하는... 자신에게 주어진 시간을 잘 manage하고 자신에게 주신 학습능력도 잘 관리하고 발전시키는....
인내와 절제가 성령의 열매 중에 하나라는 것도 우연은 아닐거야..그치?

정말로 단 한번의 주어진 인생에서 자기가 하고 있는 일에 열정을 가지고 살 수 있기를 바란다면 이 학생의 시기에 정말 하나님께서 너에게 주신 비전이 무엇인지 심각하게 기도하며 search해야 한단다. .. 설사 그것이 네가 원하는 길이 아니더라도.. 지금 당장은 정말 피하고 싶은 분야라도 하나님이 너보다 너 자신을 더 잘 아신다는 믿음을 가지고 순종할 때 그런 축복의 삶을 살수 있는거란다. 사모님도 대학 때 가장 하기 실고 되기 싫은 것이 사모였구.. 가장 하기 싫은 전공이 피아노였는데.. 지금은 그 두가지가 내 인생에서 나를 열정있게 만들고 내 인생을 의미있게 만드는 것들이란다. 진정으로 하나님은 나보다 나를 더 잘 아시고 내 인생을 더 멀리 더 정확하게 보고 계셨던 거지..

진정한 의미의 인내가 무엇일까?
그냥 이 꽉 깨물고 얼른 이 시간이 지나길 바라는것???
하 나님께서 우리에게 말씀하시는 인내는 반드시 소망이 전제된단다. 그리고 그 소망은 믿음이 있는 사람만이 가질수 있는 거지... 하나님의 약속이 네 삶속에서 반드시 이루어 질거라는 믿음을 가지고 꿋꿋이 흔들림없이 그 길을 가는 것이 바로 하나님께서 원하시는 인내란다.
그리고 인내는 반드시 포기가 수반된단다. 내가 하고 싶은 것을 포기해야만 하는 아픔! ^^
정말 객관적으로 네 시간들을 체크해보면, 하지 않아도 되는 일을 하고 있는 시간들이 꽤 많다는 것을 보게 될거야. 너무 하고 싶고, 또 어떤 면에서는 그것을 해야만 스트레스가 풀릴것 같은 유혹이 가장 많은 그 것이 바로 네가 포기해야하는 것이란다. 그것들이 무엇인지 잘 살펴보고 과감히 네 스케줄에서 잘라내고 priority를 잘 정해서 해 나간다면 하루 24시간이 그리 부족하지만은 않을거란다.
하 나님앞에서 너의 비전을 찾고 그 것을 이루기 위해 인내하고 순종할 각오가 되어있는 사람에게 하나님은 반드시 그 길을 보여주시고 또 인내할 수 있는 소망과 믿음이 넘치게 하신단다. 더 많이 인내하고 포기해야만 했던 사람에게 더 많이 reward하신단다.. 반드시..
사모님은 신디가 과감히 믿음을 가지고 그런 삶을 도전해보기를 원한다. 신디의 포커스를 흐리게 하는 친구를 잘라야 하는 아픔이 있을수도 있고, 지금까지 너에게 쉼을 주었던 분야가 세상적인 즐거움에서 하나님으로 바뀌는 과정에서 오는 진통도 있을거야. 이런 fundamental basic이 바뀌지 않으면 아무리 좋은 method라도 힘을 잃는거란다.
매일의 하루를 시작하면서 하나님앞에서 너의 스케줄을 관리해보렴.. 이 학생의 시간을 성공적으로 인내해 가기 위해서 네가 하지 말아햐 할 것이 무엇이지 또 반드시 포기하지 말아야 할 것이 무엇인지 알게 될거야.. 하나님을 경외하는 것이 지혜의 시작이고 바로 지식 그 자체란다.

승리하는 신디를 기대하며.. 사랑하는 사모님이!!!

i need to studyyyyy~!
got biochem lab and genetics lab exam dec 14, differential equation exam dec 16, and biochem class exam tba. less than 10 days left, yet i haven't even started studying. i'm so behind in all my classes, but i have no motivation to start. i haven't gone to church in so long... idk what's wrong with me... i just waste my time watching youtube or facebook.